Surviving the Super Bowl

By Kara Tucker

Rather than be put in Twitter jail, I'm keeping track of the game in real time here. Then compiling to post
5:09 p.m. -- Studio crew shilling, awkwardly, for a fast food chicken purveyor. Perhaps that telestrator can be used to show where the dignity disappeared.
5:25 -- Russell Wilson interview. Nice to see a former Rockies farmhand land on his feed.
5:30 -- The Fox Sports 1 promo. Trying too hard, too many ex-jocks on the show, but when the hosts are doing "Fox Sports Live"'s scores and highlights, it's enjoyable.
5:34 -- Terry Bradshaw waving at a skyline, as if Peyton Manning had never been in New York City and New Jersey before.
5:35 -- You can see their breath. The Russell Wilson interview was in a studio. So much for Peyton not performing in cold weather.
5:40 -- Muppets pre-game show. Would have been more appropriate for the red carpet stuff.
5:42 -- Sources are reporting that sub sandwich franchise shill Jay Glazer is on our television.
5:44 -- Hipsters have me cornered. lol
5:44 -- Beverage joke...out-of-date with Bloomberg out of office.
5:45 -- Noted homophobe Chuck Norris is protecting the city. Greeeeeat.
5:55 -- Declaration of Independence. said by players, Buzz Aldrin, with members of our military, first responders. Good sentiment, albeit a bit stiffly staged.
5:56 -- I bet the racist tweeters are getting carpal tunnel with Michelle Obama's appearance.
6:01 -- The Super Bowl cold open brought to you by Mad Libs, apparently.
6:06 -- New Richard Sherman Beats commercial, almost as if the post-Niners game rant were pre-planned
6:10 -- Gay wedding performer Queen Latifah sings "America the Beautiful", which I always preferred to "Star Spangled Banner", personally. Performance remains thankfully Macklemore-free.
6:15 -- A Kurt Russell sighting. Snake Plissken has aged, as have all of us. He still exudes that air of cool.
6:21 -- Renee Fleming performing the national anthem, clearly not dressed as if she just came from a tailgate. One does not wear a wrap like that whilst consuming a chili brat.
6:28  - Joe Namath is on the field, but that coat says "Clyde Frazier."
6:33  - Broncos open the game with a play that starts with the word "Cluster." Mistimed snap, safety, 2-0 Seattle.
6:37 -- Percy Harvin with a big play. And NOBODY was talking about him before the game, forgetting what he could do in Minnesota.
6:43 -- Seeing Reggie Watts in the beer commercial makes me want to see some "Comedy Bang Bang."
6:45 --- Potential tactical error there, wasting a timeout on a replay challenge when Russell Wilson was clearly short of a first down.
6:46 -- All things considered, I think the Broncos will take only being down 5-0 after that first offensive miscue.
6:47 -- Animal husbandry being used to sell Chevy pickups. That's new.
6:54 -- So far, this is looking like an Eli-led offense for Denver.
6:58 -- It's a little early for the Peyton Manning Struggleface, but there it is.
6:58 -- Troy Aikman uses the phrase "natural rubbing action." Skip Bayless squirms uncomfortably at home.
7:04  -- If drinking Bud Light puts you on stage with One Republic, give me a different brand, please.
7:07 -- Seahawks are dominating, but settling for field goals. That could come back to bite them later.
7:12 -- It won't come back to bite them in Denver's offense remains this inept.
7:13 -- The Cheerios ad that no doubt confused Richard Cohen airs.
7:16 -- Pondering back to that Radio Shack commercial where a 2014 Hulk Hogan is supposed to be '80s Hulk Hogan.
7:17 -- Where was the lowest common denominator GoDaddy commercial? A woman with a puppet? Just starting a business, not licking her lips in slow motion, while hair band music plays. Guess the company figured that stuff was played out, especially after last year's ickfest.
7:24 -- As overexposed as he was, I have to give Tim Tebow credit for having a sense of humor about himself in those commercials. Funny stuff.
7:27 -- The first Seattle player dinged up and it's not Percy Harvin. That's a good sign, as it is that the player, Kam Chancellor, appears to be okay.
7:38  -- Somebody throw a tent over this circus.
7:38  -- Startling ineptitude by the Broncos. Absolutely startling. That pick was less Manning's fault than the previous.
7:41 -- That pistachio ad with Steven Colbert was disturbing. So far, we have bovine pimping and now, the implication of Colbert eating his own head for sustenance.
7:49 -- FOX News will HATE this Coca-Cola ad. All those non-English speakers. "This is not our America" anymore and all that.
7:54 -- Of course that pass was incomplete. The Broncos are doing their best impression of a team looking to draft Johnny Football with the first pick in the draft.
7:55 -- Fritos? On the sub? Jay Glazer keeps saying "cruncha muncha." Sources report Fox NFL Insider Jay Glazer has officially lost his last shred of dignity.
7:59 -- Today's Super Bowl halftime show with the Red Hot Chili Peppers will be the first appearance at it by an act with socks on their junk since the dreaded Up With People Fiasco of 1978.
8:00 -- My favorite part of that Verizon ad? The dad walking in on his daughter and friends watching game film.
8:08 -- Here we go, a Super Bowl halftime show with Bruno Mars and some middle aged men known for appearing onstage with socks on their genitals.
8:10 -- Bruno Mars, rocking the drum kit AND a hairstyle I think K.D. Lang had once.
8:11 -- Bruno Mars, also a believer in matching band outfits, complete with 1981 new wave power pop skinny ties.
8:12 -- Mr. Mars is also a believer in green lasers.
8:16 -- Beyonce already finished, but Bruno Mars is putting on a better show.
8:18 -- Pepsi's ad budget clearly did not include money for shirts for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
8:19 -- Awkward transition from a party-mad Bruno Mars/RHCP segment to greetings from members of our armed forces over the intro to a love song.
8:27 -- Jerry Ricecake? Oy.
8:28 -- Scientology? Double oy. Triple oy. Quadruple oy. Pi oy.
8:33 -- Percy Harvin takes the second half kickoff for a touchdown. 29-0 Seahawks.
8:33 -- So long, Denver, and thanks for playing. There will be a lovely version of the home game for you on your way out, along with a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat.
8:44 -- Ted Koppel is coming out of retirement to report on the Denver offense being held hostage.
8:45 -- And now Axe is getting all hippy dippy with its commercial. It's as if the dudebros at the company offices have been taken over by alien pod people. It's not a bad thing. MUCH less obnoxious.
8:47 -- Camera shows John Travolta in a luxury box at the stadium. Sadly, there will be no happy ending for the Broncos.
8:52 -- What the heck is this Kia commercial?
8:53 -- Still better than the two Matrix sequels.
9:05 -- Ho hum. Another Seattle touchdown. 36-0 Seahawk lead. This is not football. This is torture porn.
9:06 -- The Denver Broncos ARE the Jacksonville Jaguars, starring Peyton Manning as Blaine Gabbert.
9:16 -- Denver finally showed up. Way, way too late. Starting the fourth quarter down 36-8.
9:16 -- Cue Skip Bayless saying the Broncos would have won the game with Tebow at quarterback in 3....2....1....
9:20 -- We need a blizzard to perk things up a little here.
9:24 -- Time to take Peyton out and put in the Play 60 kid.
9:28 -- You liked him in "Gandhi." You'll love him in a car commercial.
9:31 -- No word yet on whether Fox NFL Insider Jay Glazer is warming up vocally to say "wubba wubba wubba" while wearing a sandwich board at a Subway location off the Jersey Turnpike.
9:36 -- Scarlett Johanson for Occupied Lands soda. Taste the oppression.
9:39 -- The viewing audience that's left gets to know Robert Turbin. Fantasy players will want to know his name as the mileage wears down Marshawn Lynch in the future.
9:43 -- Eli Manning shown in his seat, looking miserable as he's watching the Broncos looking worse than his Giants did against Seattle. As awful as New York was that day, that's saying something.
9:46 -- This has been a thorough dismantling. Denver couldn't run the ball. It couldn't have a passing game downfield. It couldn't avoid turnovers. Seattle made far fewer mistakes while controlling the game physically. Total domination.
9:50 -- This isn't the first time someone's been buried in the swamps of Jersey.
9:57 -- Game over. Seattle 43, Denver 8. The Seahawks zero turnovers, the Broncos four. Game over.
10:06 -- Glanced at a bigoted right-wing pundit's feet. He responded with predictable racism to the Coke commercial. Nice Pavlovian response.
10:11 -- Question that won't be asked -- "Pete, you left USC to take the big probation hit for things that happened under your watch. What's it like to win the Super Bowl?"
10:11 -- After the Sonics moving and the Mariners staying, it's hard to begrudge fans in Seattle their enjoyment of this.
10:14 --One good thing about tonight is that we're one week closer to a new episode of "True Detective."
10:19 -- Howie Long is right, but, really, it started with Denver being unable to handle Seattle up front. As much (deserved) publicity as the Seahawks' secondary gets, this game started with their ability to dominate Denver at the line.
10:20 Game over. Time for sitcoms. Some potential laughs after that horror show.
10:21 Red Hot Chili Peppers finally find their shirts (happens offscreen).
10:22 Sources report Fox NFL Insider Jay Glazer is now personally hovering over people eating their Subway sandwiches, saying Chumbawumba and doing the Batusi.
10:23 Even though the game has been over for almost 30 minutes, Peyton Manning just threw another interception
10:24 ESPN plans hours of "Embracing Debate" over Peyton Manning's legacy, as if he was solely the reason they lost the game.
10:34 Seattle's defense in particular put on a performance to appreciate, even if the game itself was a dud. The commercials were okay. There weren't the big highs nor what-the-heck lows of previous years.
10:44 The Super Bowl has finished. The season is over. Football fans can now start pondering the next big news in the league. No, not the draft. The Browns interviewing candidates to be the team's head coach in 2015.