Tonight’s MTV Video Music Awards in live blog form.
9:00 p.m. – Is Lady Gaga the Eggman? Goo goo ga joob.
9:03 p.m. – Gaga is clearly premiering her Vegas act. Multiple costume changes on stage..well…a jacket on and off and a variety of bad wigs.
9:04 p.m. – On to the clam shell bikini. Her homage to Botticelli or perhaps Ed’s Clam Shack on Route 52.
9:05 p.m. – That was…underwhelming
9:06 p.m. – Did that guy from One Direction just say, “Whatsup, Brooklyn?”..he did it again. Please don’t say “homies in the hizzouse.”
9:08 p.m. – Selena Gomez wins “Best Pop Video.” Bruno Mars more surprised than Taylor Swift.
9:17 p.m. – Miley Cyrus, apparently appropriating Japanese TV Commercial culture now.
9:18 p.m. – Drake bobbing along to the beat…of a Miley song.
9:18 p.m. – “We Can’t Stop." Is the song subtitled "(Dancing With Furries)"?
9:19 p.m. – One Direction is unimpressed.
9:20 p.m. – Robin Thicke here to do his creepy hit song…with Miley Cyrus.
9:20 p.m. – Miley shaking her butt next to Thicke’s crotch and doing masturbatory moves with a foam No. 1 finger. Robin Thicke is 36 years old. Miley Cyrus is 20.
9:22 pm. – Is this a high school production with these props? Seriously cheap.
9:23 p.m. – Robin Thicke forgot his straw hat to go with that striped outfit.
9:24 p.m. – Song medley is over…ending opportunity for Miley Cyrus to embarrass herself further. Seriously, she was doing something cringeworthy whenever the camera showed her again.
9:27 p.m. – Drinking game…every time Macklemore says “homies,” do a shot.
9:27 p.m. – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, clearly glad not to be part of that hallucinogenic medley that preceded the presentation for the Best Hip Hop Video award.
9:28 p.m. – Announcement: “Kanye West will be onstage next.”…at least he’s supposed to be this time.
9:36 p.m. – Did Kevin Hart basically do a joke implying Robin Thicke would kidnap a child? Ugh.
9:37 pm. – Jared Leto onstage. Evidently Anthony Kiedis had a garage sale.
9:38 p.m – Kanye West performing the worst song on his new album, the execrable “Blood on the Leaves.”
9:39 p.m. – Please, God. Let his Autotune break down so we have to hear his real voice.
9:40 p.m. – He’s doubling down on the imagery from the “Strange Fruit” sample with the trees. Kanye, your troubles with women (apparently all of them are money-grubbing groupies according to this song) have nothing to do with lynching.
9:41 p.m. – Stop it, Mr. West. For the love of God.
9:41 p.m. – Miley Cyrus came across more dignified than Kanye West did. Okay, no she didn’t. But the fact that Kanye’s even in that ballpark speaks volumes.
9:48 p.m. – Nile Rodgers! Awesomeness.
9:48 p.m. -- Pharrell, mentioning who Rodgers has worked with but not mentioning Chic? * Cue shaking of head *
9:48 p.m. – The two gentlemen from Daft Punk not speaking. If only Kanye West did the same.
9:49 p.m. – Random thought..that could be anyone inside those Daft Punk masks.
9:50 p.m. – Best female video to Taylor Swift. Somebody clothesline Kanye if he approaches the stage.
9:51 p.m. – Best video with a social message..what? Miley’s twerking video not nominated? Ohh…
9:51 p.m. – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis win for “Same Love.” Good.
9:52 p.m. – Did Gaga just high-five Will Smith?
9:56 p.m. – Commercial break. It just occurred to me that none of the people Kendrick Lamar called out in that verse performed onstage with the Miley Cyrus Furrypalooza.
10:00 p.m. – Justin Timberlake is the “President of Pop” now? Umm…
10:01 p.m. – Timberlake performing as the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award winner, per-recorded segment of him in the Barclay’s Center. Lip sync-tastic!
10:02 p.m. – What happened to the sound feed on this medley? Sounds like a radio station not tuned in correctly.
10:04 p.m. – Seriously, someone needs to fix this. It sounds unlistenable.
10:04 p.m. – A shame because this would be halfway entertaining if the sound worked.
10:05 p.m. – A Super Bowl Halftime Show has broken out onstage at the Barclays Center.
10:10 pm. – Apparently JT is doing a snippet of every song he ever recorded.
10:10 p.m. – Worst-kept secret of the weekend. Onstage reunion of N*Sync. What a shock. Sound still not fixed.
10:11 p.m. – You can tell the audience is into it. Even one of the One Direction members managed to not look bored.
10:12 p.m. – Reunion over. Timberlake leaves his former bandmates behind. Literally.
10:13 p.m. – “Suit and Tie” or, perhaps more accurately, “I’m The Star Now, Guys.”
10:16 p.m. – The Distorted Timberlake Medley is finally over. Seriously. Who butchered the sound on that?
10:18 p.m. – “N*Sync. What was that?” About two minutes of screen time, Mr. Fallon, if we're being generous.
10:18 p.m. – If Lance Bass and JC Chasez had been under those Daft Punk masks, they’d have doubled their onscreen time.
10:26 p.m. – Kevin Hart back on, playing catch-up in an effort to get more screen time than Timberlake and as many laughs as Kanye.
10:28 p.m. – “Song of the Summer” nominees. Should be Daft Punk. It won’t be.
10:30 p.m. – Of course, it’s One Direction. They win one for the Shipper.
10:32 p.m. – “Hating someone for their sexual orientation is the same as hating someone for the color of their skin”..good sentiment. Incomplete sentiment, but it’s a start.
10:33 p.m. – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis performing “Same Love.” Cue predictable outrage from the usual cast of characters on the Far Right.
10:34 p.m. – “Have you read the YouTube comments lately?” Not if I can help it.
10:37 p.m. – It IS a little easier to avoid crying on Sunday when you have a Moon Man.
10:38 pm. – “To learn more about marriage equality…”graphic on the screen. Times have changed.
10:42 p.m. – Adam Lambert, sadly only a presenter this year. Emili Sande for that matter.
10:43 p.m. – Austin Mahone, a pop flavor of the month. wins Best New Artist.
10:44 p.m. – God gets His first shoutout of the night.
10:45 p.m. -- If you did a shot any time a white person said “Homies” tonight, you’d be dead of alcohol poisoning.
10:46 p.m. – Drake’s turn to perform…getting videobombed by some dude in a backwards adjustable baseball cap and shades. Again, an adjustable cap.
10:50 p.m. – Seeing the house DJ at the VMAs answers the question of “What happened to Robin Thicke’s straw hat?”
10:50 p.m. – Amazingly, this is the first time most of these videos have appeared on MTV when it wasn’t third shift hours.
10:55 p.m. – Time for the Best Male Video. Bruno Mars and his hat win.
11:03 p.m. – Mars (and hat) back onstage to perform his new song. And it has an actual hook. Not sure about the lyric on it, though.
11:06 p.m. – A planetarium laser show has broken out at the Barclays Center.
11:15 p.m. – Video of the Year goes to Justin Timberlake for “Mirrors.” Thank goodness it wasn’t “Blurred Lines.”
11:15 p.m. – Timberlake has switched to what looks like a bowling shirt.
11:17 p.m. – Timberlake dedicates the award to his grandparents, a genuinely sweet moment.
11:18 p.m. – Katy Perry at the Brooklyn Bridge performing “Roar” doing the boxing theme.
11:19 p.m. – I can’t really begrudge this one. The song has a pretty strong hook. I would have been shocked if it hadn’t been a big hit.
11:21 p.m. – Jumping rope? Mmmmkay. Waiting for "Mama Said Knock You Out" to break out.
11:21 p.m. – Singing from the turnbuckle now before bringing the hook back for the rest of the song.
11:24 p.m. – As the show rebroadcast starts, all in all, no huge surprises. A lot of live “performing”, but not as much singing. Lady Gaga seemed conventional. Miley Cyrus was a trainwreck creating buzz for the wrong reasons. Kanye screamed his way through an autotuned monstrosity of a song that is the worst on the worst-selling album of his career. Timberlake’s performance took over 15 minutes and seemed twice that long because of horrendous sound that was never fixed. The N*Sync “reunion” lasted all of two minutes and wasn’t worth two seconds of pre-show hype for that short of an appearance.
Given how much time the network gives over to shows like “Teen Mom,” it felt like a music show designed by people who hate music – a cynical “let’s put out whatever” affair that offered a few decent performances, but almost no inspiration.