Have You Heard The News of a Certain Avian Variety?

By KARA SPRAGUE


One day, historical scholars will divide America's cultural timeline into two categories -- pre-M.I.A flipping the bird at the 2012 Super Bowl halftime and post-M.I.A bird flip.
Apologies came quickly for the gesture, which came from one of the four guest stars during Madonna's halftime show.
She joined soul singer/"The Voice" coach Cee-Lo Green, the inexplicably popular LMFAO (without their onstage guy who looks like A.W.E.S.O.M-O) and guest star du jour Nicki Minaj, who's seemingly been asked to appear everywhere short of dropping a verse or two on a Rod Stewart "American Songbook" track.
During M.I.A's turn, she, in a blink-and-you-missed-it moment, flashed a middle finger as she lip-synced the suitably censored line "don't give a sh--."
Not everybody blinked and missed it, of course.
That wasn't going to happen since 2004, the year of Janet Jackson's infamous "wardrobe malfunction" that briefly revealed her nipple.
That glimpse of nipple caused a number of people to lose their minds. They reacted as if Jackson and Justin Timberlake had re-enacted Caligula onstage, complete with the horse.
There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, complete with cries of "What will we tell the children?"
These folks reacted as if it was the downfall of civilization as we know it, that it would result in national disasters like volcanic eruptions destroying Seattle and Portland, earthquakes sliding Los Angeles into the ocean and Rick Santorum winning Republican Primaries.
Since Nipplegate, the National Football League reacted by booking older, more "reliable" acts for its Super Bowl halftimes. If you didn't have an album out, you need not apply (until 2011's appearance by the Black-Eyed Peas).
The results ranged from solidly entertaining (Prince and Bruce Springsteen), to somewhat sad (what was left of The Who) and outright painful (the aforementioned BEP, where Fergie's attempts to imitate Axl Rose's voice made it sound as if she was choking on a deli pickle.
The "Must Have an Album in the '70s" rule was waived again for Madonna, whose first album was released in 1983.
Booking Madonna was no surprise. She was hugely influential on decades of pop stars who've come along since. Not coincidentally, she has new album, "MDNA" due out in March.
The results would have been fairly unremarkable if not for the briefly-extended middle digit from M.I.A., who uncoincidentally has a new album of her own due out this summer.
Madonna had to weigh in on Birdgate.
She called Ryan Seacrest's radio show Friday and said she was not happy about it.
"I understand it's punk rock and everything, but to me, there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity, it seemed negative," Madonna said. "It's one of those things. It's such a teenager irrelevant thing to do...there was such a feeling of love and unity there. What was the point? It was just out of place
I'm sure M.I.A. was crushed that the woman who gave us the "Sex" book, complete with softcore porn and the faux-lesbian kiss with Britney Spears at the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards considered her middle finger to be "negative", "teenager" and "irrelevant."
And what of Madonna's halftime show itself?
To start with, the NFL, in an effort to keep control and limit the chances of spontaneity or actual excitement, likely wanted the vocals pre-recorded.
The result is that by having Madonna lip-sync, they basically turned her into one of her own female impersonators.
Starting with an entrance that was Lady Gaga-esque, or perhaps Madonna's interpretation of Gaga's interpretation of Madonna, the performer appeared in a Gladiator-themed costume.
In one enjoyable bit of what passed for subversiveness, Madonna (whose name was seemingly changed to "Gay Icon Madonna" at one point) opened her set with "Vogue."
The song's origins in gay subculture, accented with handsome male dancers and circus performers, was a nice little tweak at the uber-hetero Super Bowl festivities.
The rest of the performance featured plenty of spectacle and those aforementioned guest stars. But since it was pre-recorded, the net result was that flash and substance briefly duked it out before substance tapped out.
All the dazzling choreography in the world couldn't mask the the artificial nature of lip-synching to vocals, especially those "enhanced" with studio trickery anyway.
Aside from the controversy briefly lasting through a news cycle over an extended middle finger, the NFL got pretty much what it wanted -- safe flash, all hat/no cattle.
Make no mistake, the NFL is all about image these days.
The league has been enacting rules changes, enough of them that the National Football League will contain as much football as Bacos contains bacon. Just slap an asterisk on the NFL, noting that it's "artificially football flavored." Or change the name to the National Flag Football League, complete with the marketing slogan, "As Watchable As the Pro Bowl."
Life will go on for the artists involved.
Cee-Lo is on a hit TV show and no doubt has more hits of his own on the horizon.
LMFAO will keep working to stave off the running down of its 15 minutes of fame. The future fate of their A.W.E.S.O.M-O, modern pop's version of Bez, remains unclear.
Madonna will release "MDNA" and tour, charging top dollar unapologetically. Her icon status remains.
M.I.A.'s album will come out as well and we'll see if she has another "Paper Planes" or "Galang" in her.
The rest of us can go back to our lives until next year's Super Bowl halftime where things will be normal. That's unless Drake drops trou during a Hall and Oates lip sync medley.
If that happens, I'll be glad I didn't buy land in Los Angeles.